Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Wallowing

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."

Do ya'll remember this book?












I love Judith Viorst. I have loved everything I have ever read from her. In addition to Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Viorst is also the author of Alexander, Who Used to be Rich Last Sunday and the book of poems for children If I Were in Charge of the World and Other Worries (and a myriad of other children's books, too numerous to list). She has also written many books for adults including Grown-up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married and I'm Too Young to be Seventy. If you come across any of her books you should read them or read them to your children or encourage your children to read them.

I am having an Alexander-esque day/week. I haven't been sleeping well (which isn't really new but is getting ridiculous) and work has been inordinately hard and tedious and I really just want to stay at home and decorated my freaking Christmas tree and maybe knit a little. 10 days ago, I found out I was pregnant and today I found out that I am not anymore. Which is hard because I wasn't really sure we were even ready to have a baby and it wasn't planned but I had gotten my heart and mind into and was starting to be excited. It is painful and soul-sucking to find out that I can't even be pregnant right.

I am tired and I am grouchy. When I am tired, I lose my inner monologue. That filter that normally makes me socially adept and prevents all the thoughts that run through my head from coming out of my mouth. I just told a co-worker, who I don't really like but I normally manage to keep my disdain for at bay, to shut the hell up because no one really cares what he has to say anyway. I think I hurt his feelings.

To add insult to injure, yesterday I found out that I have a cavity. In nearly 29 years, I have never had a cavity. WTF?

I haven't purchased even one Christmas present yet and I have only signed and address 5 Christmas cards.

Oh, and I am in a knitting rut. I am knitting another hat. It is for a Christmas present. When did I get so slap-happy about hats?

7 comments:

Emma said...

A few days off sick would be a good idea. You need to give yourself a chance to get over your miscarriage,and have a quirt rest.
Don't be too despondent. an awful lot of first pregnancies don't ''take''. It doesn't effect your future chances.
Take care of yourself. Talk to someone close.

Stephanie said...

Well if you hadn't already, I was going to say what a terrible horrible no good very bad time. But you did, and it is, but you will be a-okay. Even if you are knitting hats. :-p

Meaghan said...

I know what you should do - go out and buy some Denise interchangeables!! Seriously though, take some days off work and have some time to yourself. Do what you like to do the most, but don't often get the time to do. Take care of yourself, you are in my thoughts.

Rhett said...

Kristy, I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I will keep you in my prayers. I think you should take the rest of the week off, get your house, your shopping, your mind in the shape you want it and then go back to work. Everything will be okay. You have lots of friends who are on your side! And if you want to knit hats... keep going... but try something different... Might I suggest a scarf :)

Susie said...

Three. I had three. I figured there would never be a baby in my whole life. Even the doctors told me so. I would never, ever carry a pregnancy to term because my insides were awful. Full of nasty icky stuff. And even though I wasn't real sure about wanting a baby, the idea that I couldn't carry a pregnancy made me feel...well...less than a woman.

One of those 'never babies' got married in July. The other is an Eagle Scout who'll graduate from high school this year.

Other people will probably say stupid things (it is NEVER 'all for the best') unless they've lost a baby too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Wallow all you need to. It hurts more than any woman can even admit. Then thank God for having the knowledge that your body *can* get pregnant, and that one day, when the time is right, you'll be wondering if you'll ever be able to see your feet again, if you'll ever get a full night's sleep again, if you'll ever, EVER be able to go to the bathroom *by yourself once in a while*...

My heart hurts for you too. I'm so sorry.

Hugs,
Susie

Elizabeth said...

Hey, Susie's sister BJ here (toknitperchancetodream Susie)
I had three miscarriages as well, now raising (dragging up) 4 children (as a single mom for almost 10 years)
I want you to know that my heart hurts for you. Go ahead and cry all you want (chocolate doesn't hurt either)
Yeah, it hurts. Alot. And I am so sorry that your baby died. That looks harsh in black and white, but "it" WAS a baby, a life that God ordained, even as fleeting as it was. And there is an eternal purpose for that life, you will know one day, of that I am sure. God bless and keep you,
Elizabeth

laurie said...

Oh my goodness, K, I am so so so sorry ... I amjust catching up on your blog and saw this and my heart just broke in two for you.

I adore you. Hang in there. You know all those times you've been pushing good vibes my way and thinking good things for me? I'm doing that for you this very minute. You are lovely. Wonderful. Loved!

P.S. Cavities are the badge of an adult who lives life to the fullest :)